Whispers Page!
Welcome to the official New Empire Theatre gossip page,
edited anonomously by an anonomous person.
The information below is entirely fictitious
(though may be based on actual events).
No animals (except one) were harmed during
the the writing of this column.
If you have any gossip about the Empire you
would like to share on this page then please
e-mail us in the utmost confidence (ish).
Ah, two of our newest members of staff have 'found each other' amidst the chaos and hurly burly of Front of House life. They are first loves and the perfect couple, we wish them all the best for the future. Maybe another New Empire wedding is on the cards? Rumours that they are to spend their first date at Canvey Island transport museum remain uncofirmed.
Our love birds at the theatre have been arguing lately about the wearing of colours at their wedding. Whilst one is happy to go for the traditional white and pale yellow colours, the other seems intent on wearing a pink jacket, bright pink, with sequins. Will the two ever reach a compromise and wear orange (a mix between pink and yellow) - or will they even make it to the church? Any suggestions for colour schemes are welcomed, though I would seriously consider marrying anyone (male) who wants to wear pink at his own wedding!!
Rumours are flying round the theatre about the growing 'friendship' between an unidentified female member of staff and a gentleman player. They have on many occasions 'gone out' together on the grounds of work, but we are unsure if there is more to this relationship than meets the eye. Keep your eyes on this one people and let us know of any developments!
Scandal encompassed the theatre this summer when rumours emerged of a tet a tet between our Stage Manager and a certain scantily clad male (not gay), tanned, muscular and handsome leading man. While she insists it was just excitement at having a straigt attractive man in the theatre, others think her attraction to him was more than that. No evidence yet that she played with his loin cloth but she did volunteer every night to fit his radio mic for him - and he didn't even need one!!!!
Empire staff members were aghast recently at the proclomation of a senior member of staff who had up until denied any feelings for another person within our wide theatrical community. He is said to have said "she's not that bad really" during a discussion about said 'thespian', which has led to unsubstantiated rumours that he may in fact be interested in the lady who surely does have a thing for him ... will love blossom? We'll watch this space with anticipation!
Having just turned on the television to see the weather on Anglia Tonight, we were very surprised to see "Joyce Heth" taking a brisk stroll in the park.
Is she branching out into television?, if so we saw her first, if not she has a double!!
Its all lies i tell you. The only reason the "head of training and development" is saying that i kissed a badger, (which is quite frankly ridiculous) is because i have brought to light his recent romance in the whisper entitled "dancing romance". Methinks someone is slightly bitter, no?
And as for the picture, all i can say is cheap and tacky, and you can tell that neither me or the badger was interested. That is my statement, please take note. james x
....methinks he doth protest too much
I was both shocked and delighted upon developing my photographs from the recent excursion to Donniford Bay to find photographic evidence of what a certain Kiosk trainee has strenuously denied so much of late. I can confirm that YES, James did get drunk and attempt to snog a badger. Were his comments on the prior whisper correct?? am i a liar?? or do the images speak for themselves. let fate, and common sense be the judge.
signed the anonymous head of training and development.
I would like to say that before the rumour mill goes into overdrive, i did not get drunk and try to kiss a badger in a bush whilst on the recent theatre holiday to Somerset, so do not any one pretend that i did, thank you.
(Although i did buy a flashing cowboy hat and line dance with Brodie in the clubhouse, but thats besides the point)
Thank you, best wishes, James x x
If anyone has any more to say about the recent holiday to somerset or if there are any incriminating photographs, the anonymous whispers 'editor' will offer large sums to get their hands on it, and will publish full details as descreetly as ever, of course.
I would like to apologise for naming the front of house staff in the dancing romance whisper, as having the title "kiosk manager", infact he has the title "head of training and development", i am sorry that i overlooked this fact, and i am sorry for any damage that the mistake caused.
Has anyone else apart from me (anonomous) noticed the budding romance between two certain front of house staff?
One of the two has been giving the other dance lessons in the foyer during shows. Is this some sort of cheesy flirting ritual, or can we delve more into this surprising relationship? I warn you to be vigilent and watch these two during their "dance sessions" to make sure that any developments are reported straight away. Thank you.
(Incase you havent got a clue which two people im talking about, then i will give you some clues: she likes wearing Carl's badge, and he likes wearing the title "kiosk manager", happy guessing).
I have been meaning to ask, and the fellow's comments about Star Wars Lollys has reminded me - where do they come from? Do they breed in partucularly cold climate, or is there some sicko out there who is quietly planting them in the bottom of the freezer? Why do they NEVER run out? It is curious phenomenum and an explanation would be appreciated. This is not really a complaint, as Star Wars Lollys have often saved the day when we have run out of everything else, or when a cold compress is needed and the ice has run out. Has anyone ever actually come across anyone who actually likes them? They are most intriguing (and therefore must hold quite some value) hence the resident MD's recent flamboyance.
Do they have Star Wars Lollys in the outside world?
What?! there is a place outside of the theatre? No one told me of this?! I don't believe it. Also can I ask the roving reporter to either confirm or deny recent underground rumours that his junket, I mean holiday to Malta was funded by the sale of Star Wars lolly's dating from the B.C era? [Before Cinderella!] and is it true said resident MD will be looking at tax breaks on the jaunt, claiming it was a work related business including market research into malt[a]esers??!! BoomBoom!!
This is a report from your roving reporter, the nameless tigger-loving musical chappie aka C.L.S (Work it out!!!)
I have recently been on an excursion to the 'outside'. Yes, such a place does exist, away from the (slightly leaking) walls and ceilings of the hallowed New Empire Theatre. I had heard of such a place, and thought it only fitting to see for myself.
During my excursion to a place called Malta (which is next door to Whiskya and Sugara) I came across the third oldest theatre in the world. Imagine my shock and frankly disbelief at finding a building older than our own pot-bellied lighting technician, and in full working order!!
The Manoel Theatre was built in 17 something or other and is very similar to a (slightly) run down and (definitely) falling apart local theatre not too far from our own in design. It seats 600 or so people and has lots of boxes (presumably for the mini goddess f the box office to stand on!!!!!) Apparently it also has it's own website (Huh, wonder where they got that i ea from!?) but I didn't have time to write it's address down before I was distracted by it's very sexy hemp flying system.
(Note from editor:- the url is (imaginatively) www.manoeltheatre.com)
Also during my visit, I discovered things such as fresh air (A rare commodity amongst the technical crew from NET), proper meals (Not an Indian in sight - how depressing) and a strange thing called day-light.
I have decided to return to the theatre, as I cannot take any more 3 foot high pygmies asking me for my autograph because they think I'm one of the Chuckle Brothers!!!
Signing off for now,
T.T.F.N. (X.P.Q.K.H.R.L) (I've no idea either!!)
Resident MD
Guess which mother-shepherding pianist owes the kiosk manager and resident stage manager (a.k.a. theatrical impresarios) a week's supply of chocolate, after the kiosk manager sold the last crunchie to an unwilling member of the public, whilst said stage manager applauded?
There will be a leaving party for the Crunchie, which was the longest-running member of the kiosk staff to date. Any money for the Crunchie's leaving present should be given to Brodie who is heading the whip-round.
Which member of an award-winning local theatre based amateur company was caught in a local gentleman's clothes and gift shop store cupboard trying on ladies y-fronts?
Answers on a postcard...
Number 1
Dave Sowerbutts.......Sid James
Number 2
Kenny Rogers...........Ronald Couldridge
Has anyone else noticed this growing spate of theatrical clones wandering in our midst?!!! If you have a theatre look-a-likey send it in today!!!!
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Theatre Look-a-likeys
Ronald Couldridge also looks like the following:
Uncle Albert (from Only Fools & Horses)
Captain Birdseye
Pappa Smurf
Which two members of the New Empire Theatre Design Team, (who are currently re-decorating the bar stairs doncha know) were overheard discussing stripping techniques. One witness revealed that he heard such things as, "I'll strip by this pole and you can watch," and, "Carful when you paint over that crack." Reports are yet unconfirmed as to whether baby blue matt emulsion was used as a seduction technique, and several 2B pencils and thick bristle paint brushes have gone missing.
Other reports of televison interior design programmes being fronted by the two members of the design team have yet to be confirmed, although one of the members was keen on the idea of, "The New Empire Design Team ruined my life."
If you know anything about this recently formed team then please contact wicked whispers.
There was discomfort and unease this week as two members of the New Empire Players, livid that they were not included in the hotly anticipated, women's emporium chase, decided to form a mothers meeting in the stalls. Several members of the cast where said to be "desperate to know what rumours are being formed". The two gossip queens who share both Christian names and their love of Peters and Lee remained unperturbed, and only let out the occasional hint as to what stories they were forming, with such loudly put whispers as, 'Look he's got his head stuck in that ring'! rumours that a bugging device is currently being installed on one of the pairs many scarves remain unconfirmed. Remember be vigilant. The pair could be plotting to make a secret bid for glory in the emporium scene. There have been as yet unconfirmed whispers that the younger of the duo is looking to buy a prune outfit, whilst the other has been sighted looking at the chopped liver in the chop shop. Whilst holding a tape measure to his thigh. If you have any information as to the vicious rumours the pair are discussing, then send your confidential e-mail to the wicked whispers team, where one of our many highly trained staff members will validate the rumour, and publish it for all to see, good luck, and happy gossip mongering!!
Which un-named bar steward ironically keeps getting 'barred' from the theatre? His supposed 'attacks' which displease the management include comments about 'canvey birds' and 'benfleet birds', and most recently dragging a poor woman into the foyer from the street and 'swapping numbers'? With the rest of the front of house staff watching from the confines of the kiosk (and playing scrabble...no really.)the steward in question chatted away happily adding a few of his famous 'cheeky comments' here and there. Luckily (or so we think) he got away without a bruise or scratch from the lady in questions 'man' ,who looked most displeased (or just really really naffed off,in theatre terms). His recent threat of being barred sent him with his tail between his legs down to the safety of his bar after the show, closey followed by his spikey haired comrade. Even now we can hear him sing to comfort himself "....there's noone quite like grandad...".
As a close relative of the Bespectacled Wookie, rumour has it that the Wookie prefers a younger, back-flipping member of the Empire Players. The former relationship with the owner of the duck was just to throw people off the scent (or the beak)!!!
This however has not been confirmed by said "Wookie", but will inform you of further developments if any occur, a lolly may help to persuade the Wookie to release information, He's always open to blackmail!!!
Once again there was shock at the New Empire Theatre, when yet another couple appear to have been struck by cupids bow, however it seems one more so that the other! Guess which bespectacled 'wookie' has been seen making advances towards a fellow player by means of a very unusual rubber duck! It is said the pair enjoy laughter, occasional hugs, and morris dancing [although the latter was unconfirmed] A senior member of the theatre staff is said to be livid that said 'wookie' has moved in upon his intended and decided to sulk whilst building a set of robotic stilts.
Several members of the theatre staff were treated for shock after the valentines party, when it became apparent that two members of the theatre community had not been seen in attendance. At first the absence of the un-named thermo-resistor fan and the anonymous 'tapping' beauty had gone un-noticed, this was until one of the two confidentially confirmed [to the several members of staff] that their absence was probably due to the fact that they had spent a romantic evening in followed by a quick fumble on the sofa. [Hence inducing shock within said members of staff] If you know the identity of the lovebirds then please email in with details of further sightings! [wholly falsified sightings will be included, the more outrageous the better!] And if you don't know their identity, then why not email in with your guess. As a partial clue the tapping beauty is not Breeny [!!!!] and Kirsten has never touched a thermo-resistor in her life. Honest. Besides they both attended the party together, before Kirsten spent the night snuggling up with Breeny's cushion, and Breeny spent the night snuggling up to his Orlando Bloom posters!!!!!!!! Keep your eyes peeled for any more proof of cupids arrow striking!!!!!!!
All I can add to that is when said 'thermo-resistor' fan is questioned on the subject, he goes red and denies everything. He doth protest too much I say, there's more to it than that! He is trying to keep it a closely guarded secret. Why else would he have a pair of binoculars in the control room? Perhaps we need not to look for 'sightings' but more coincidental 'absences' from social occasions. Have the pair 'not' been at any other gatherings?
Numerous sightings of the 'thermo-resistor' fan watching over his tapping beauty have been reported after recent rehearsals with an award winning company. When someone tried to break into the couples 'love nest' with previously mentioned sofa to catch Mr Thermo-Resistor keeping a close eye, nothing was to be found but pair of warm binoculars...methinks love is in the air, but how far will it go...?
During my recent visits to the hallowed turf of The New Empire Theatre, I have noticed one or two developments in the area of amourous arrangements (if you know what I mean). As well as the long standing relationships of Sir Doug and Lady Wynn; the grey haired pot bellied lighting God and Barbie's Grandmother; Carl and himself, there have been sightings of the Lady of the Manor spending 'quality' time with a certain bald-headed crooner in an un-named upstairs dressing room. (spies have heard the phrase "We'll do it in the deep room"). This would be a dramatic turn around from previous events (see previous whispers). I can confirm that the flaxen haired front of house one IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT seeing the nameless David Breen, but fancies the pants off his friend (Not his kiosk running buddy - that's old news.) I can also confirm that the theatre's own musical genius and it's new stage manager are 'just friends having a good old flirt' Anyone wishing to defend themselves against these rumours, please do so in writing and post to The Kiosk, New Empire Theatre.
I think it must be the un-named technician! His hair is much shorter these days, or is it a thatch?
Mr Remote
following unconfirmed reports that an unamed clan of males have been attempting to usurp the theatre from within, i can disclose that a counter attack, by the citizens of the front-of-house kingdom, on said clan has been launched. We aim to anialate their plans to remove the robertson chieftan [JR], thus retaining the kingdom of front-of-house and all its spoils. The plan has been spearheaded by twiggy, lauching an immediate offensive on the flying system, backstage. It is their hope that casualties will be of a minimum, and that control can be stasbilised before panto season. This military advance is being backed by Breeny leading reserve toops into the followspot box [where a certain 'just turned 18' member of the front of house war cabinet has currently been working under cover], before advancing to the fly system with a covert team from the 'trident' regiment, in order to help usurp the reigning emporer of the flys [and to deliver much needed supplies of cigarettes, ribena and bunty to the troops already in combat] . Twig and Breen very much hope this action can be completed before strip search in November, as Twig has rationed just enough supplies of baby oil for the production, and Breeny aims to have new glasses in time for the show. Please find attached an artists impression of the flag soon to be hanging over the fly system. We have the backing of Nato, the U.N and NODA, and wish action to be swift!! reports that Chris Izod has locked himself in the boiler room with a four month supply of spam, vimto and the racing times, ready for a nuclear winter remain unconfirmed.
Rumors are spreading like wildfire at the Empire about a certain 'reserve' group of people that have apparently taken over control of the theatres most vital area - the front of house. The ring leader of this group, a flame haired femme fatale, was heard to say during the run of Singin In The Rain 'It's my kiosk now, brooha ha ha' and with an evil look in her eye ran off to plug in the tea urn which she had forgotton to do (this is the 'B' team after all). Is it any coincidence that the kiosk's supply of cornettos has mysteriously diminished to such an extent, that the emergency supply of star wars lollies has been primed and are ready to sell?? Is this harlot of the Hartridges cooking the books or simply eating all the bloody ice-creams?? Is it also coincidence that the security camera in that area has 'stopped working'? Be warned - the A Team will be back soon. Very, very soon.....
Take Over Bid
Dear Wicked Whispers,
I feel I must bring to your attention as a mater of great urgency, my recent discovery of a major plot to unseat the Robertson family as the reining heads of the state of affairs and dislodge them from their Empire! As my role as the official observer on the current show I have enjoyed the privilege of a bit more spare time than I would normally afford on a show. On my nightly round of inspection I stumbled upon an odour most horrific. I braced myself, and after entering into further investigation, I observed unseen from the relative safety of the cover from an outsized birthday cake, a full "blown" training camp. The camp was full of young men clad in black speaking in a coded language of strange grunts and huffing noises. As far as I could make out in the dim and pungent atmosphere, the smaller of the figures was giving a demonstration of how to use his onboard chemical weapons to best effect in a coffined space. The results were terrifying and catastrophic, I was amassed that one so small could produce such an evil and destructive force. At the conclusion of this demonstration of weapons of mass distraction, the surrounding soldiers broke out into a show of uncontrolled joy. Then as I watched for as long as I feared, it was obvious (the man was a "rock") their leader came into view, he was greeted with cries of hunger by the baying pack. As they re-grouped and prepared to move out, I caught the end of the leaders orders "We have successfully infiltraighted this establishment. We will soon have men in every position and my genes will be cast in an ever wider N.E.T, I shall have credit supremacy in the programme, Ah ha HAAAA!"
On hearing this I ran for my life. I fear that not since the defeat of the Ron & Ann clan, with the business of one of their daughters marrying into the Smallbone family and thus diminishing their ranks the Robertsons have not seen a challenge such as this. Will they be able to fend of this new threat! The fight may come down to tactics, and I see cutting off the supply lines as the Robertsons only hope. After all this army does march on it's stomach!
MS Bomb Crater
War Correspondent.
Bad Behaviour?
An unnamed member of the front of house team, also a member of the new empire players, yesterday tarnished her good girl image amongst the staff and fellow players. said person had her hand placed down the pants of a well known 'scrooge' like figure from the company, and instead of reacting with shock and disgust as one would have imagined, the unnamed player seemed unfazed, and looked almost to be enjoying the event!! Is her reputation diminished for good, or can said un-named anonymous, nameless person re-establish her nun like, cherubic reputation when she does follow spot for Cinderella?? Only time [ and a fair amount of bribery ] will tell.
"IT WASN'T ME!!" - Kirsten (methinks she doth protest too much!)
On The Prowl
Guess which 'senior' member of the f.o.h staff has his pincers set on a copper haired member of the front of house team. Reports state that the besuited 'player' in two senses of the word, has been making his intentions known about said person to fellow front of housers. Reports suggest though that said 'victim' is none too impressed with the suggestion and uttered words to the like that cannot be repeated on such a good languaged page as this. do you know which staff this whisper relates too, are you the victim, the only clue we shal pass is that the object of desire is not Twiggy, the recently gingerified member of the 'popular peoples front of house movement' although saying that, im not sure, i do see some romance between the two.....................!!
Love is in the Air?
Could it be that a new romance is blossoming at the New Empire? It was recently the birthday (though no-one is quite clear which birthday) of an unnamed theatre manager. Amongst her many gifts of cuddly toys, chocolates and arsenic (sent by a disgruntled, bald-headed ex-actor) was a photo frame with a picture of a certain occasionally bad tempered member of the New Empire Players pulling what can only be described as 'a face' in it. The grumpy star in the making has apparently been bombarding the theatre manager with lurid text messages, suggesting some things that are most unsuitable for display on this website. Each time he leaves a message he signs off with the phrase 'You are a wonderful woman.' Could it be that this thespian has his sights set on the currently single director of everything theatrical? If anyone else has noticed this, please feel free to talk about it behind their backs and write in to the website under the heading 'Martin loves Julie!!'
Little Blue Lights
An un-named flyman at the new empire came in one day with a new form of torch he got from Rochford Market. Because of it's smallness and bright beam, everybody just had to have one. Now, during the performances, the front of house staff have hours of fun shining them in the theatre manager's eyes and making funny shapes on the ceiling and with their faces. Even the bar manager, who thought they were pathetic little things, decided to get himself one for 'useful' things such as finding the keys at night for the car. They are replacing everyones maglites rapidly and world domination is expected in the next month or so.
Little Blue Lights ... continued
The said flyman has since been able to retire on the profits he made selling the 'controversial' little blue torches and is now relaxing in the South of France. He will be setting up mail order soon for those who have yet to purchase these revolutionary and rather cool little 'toys'.
Little Blue Lights ... again
The flyman "alleged"; to have retired to South of France wishes to make it known that he has, in fact, fled to the South of Rochford, in fear of having his arms chopped off by the very p***** off theatre manager. Unlike a certain grey haired lighting technician, the flyman is unable to carry out his duties using another bodily appendage, and therefore wishes to retain all of his limbs.
However, all contributions to the flyman's retirement fund will be gratefully received (all major credit cards accepted). Further orders for the little blue lights should be placed in plain brown envelopes and left securely attached to the weight carriage for bar 14.
Hallucinations
A new craze has hit the New Empire's Front of House team in the form of coloured 'tiny torches'. This new craze has created much entertainment, as torches have been used as weapons to blind eachother, only to be later confiscated by a certain theatre manager for fear of causing hallucinations. Members of Front of House laughed at this seemingly stupid and impossible effect, until an anonymous tigger loving muso had to pinch himself to see if he was still awake after seeing a 'hallucination' of a certain spiky haired Duty Manager doing pick up.
As this is a rarity he thought he was only seeing things after an overload of chilli sauce. It was only until the certain muso had questioned several other people and set all the security cameras to the main auditorium (just to make sure) that it was decided that these evil 'tiny torches' had created a mass hallucination. All torches were then locked in a box in the kiosk only used as a punishment to any misbehaving staff. The tigger loving muso turned out to be fine after mass amounts of psychotherapy and hypnosis, but still breaks out into a cold sweat every time somebody mentions 'the hallucination'.
A Star in our Midst?
Rumours have been flying around the theatre that we may well all be in the presence of an icon of modern television. Glimpses of this person have been caught, usually asleep in various corners of the building, or in the kebab shop next door, MacDonalds or hovering round the cake tin. At last someone (anonymous) has been able to capture a picture of him awake. He has been heard to be belching and can eat a burger in less than 6.8 seconds, which adds to the evidence he is one and the same person. If anyone else can confirm sightings of this 'personality' please e-mail us here. I have put the picture which was taken below for your reference:
Rigged Bets?
Accusations of bet rigging were being thrown towards an un-named theatre manager last night, when she remarkably won a 'fun' sweepstake against all the odds. Bets were taken on the time the delayed performance was expected to start, and ranged from 7.40 to 8.15. Said manager (who has control over giving clearance and the flow of the audience into the auditorium), appeared to be stalling with her announcements, and gave house clearance just two minutes before her expected time, although the foyer had been clear for a good five minutes. Amazingly (or not), the performance began EXACTLY at the same time as the un-named manager had guessed.
Is this due to some clever (and downright sleezy and underhand) manipulation, or merely a 'coincidence'? Is it possible that there was some kind of communication with the technical team to hold the show until that specific moment? The manager has blamed the musicians, who she says were already stalling, though one had already lost his bet, she says they were creeping down the steps very slowly. There were no other credible witnesses to this, so we have to take her word for it. The prize was a mini-milk, and though she claims she dislikes mini milks, there is much speculation of this being a 'smoke screen' to hide her guilt at rigging bets to her favour. She is still protesting her innocence. The jury's still out.
We have had the following e-mail in defence of musicians:
Dear peeps,
Re your posting of dodgy dealings on the website, I can indeed confirm the heretofore uncorroborated sightings of 'musicians walking slowly' into last night's performance.
What is so unusual about that? Have you ever seen a muso doing more than a vague amble? No, I think not (except, possibly, to be first in the bar during the interval and after the show) (oh! and before the show).
One must remember that musos are extremely reluctant to engage in any kind of 'work' - it's part of the many years of intense training we receive.
So I can categorically say that the 'ambling musicians' ploy was quite genuine; as for the rest of the feeble excuses, I wouldn't like to committ myself either way as I suspect the good lady in question would have my nadgers off in a trice were I to disagree in any way.
I hope this has been of use to you all and see you again tonight,
Andytheclonezonebinlinertrousersboy
(catchy nickname or does it need work?)
xx
Well thanks for that, 'Andy', not entirely sure that it clears the theatre manager's name, and there is some question as to whether or not you actually are musicians. While you seem to want to clear your name and disassociate yourselves with this 'naughty' practice, you still seem to suggest that the theatre manager may have had a finger in a pie or too, even if it was not yours.
If there are any 'musos' out there who can firstly confirm that Andy is a musician and secondly who may also be sloth like in nature, please feel free to e-mail us.
Musicians Rules
As a result of the above e-mail, I have received a copy of the musicians rules (shown below), which may explain their strange behaviour.
1. Never work for one second more than you're paid for
2. Try to misbehave as often as possible
3. Complain that it's too hot/cold on a regular basis
4. Try to get into the bar at least half an hour before the interval (It has
been done)
5. If you are over 50, you are legally allowed to play as many bum notes as
you possible can, especially if you play something loud like the Trumpet!!
6. The cast like to think they know what's best for them. Just smile and
play their song so that it is just too high for them to sing.
7. Any resident Musical Directors should be brought fresh cups of Hot
Chocolate on a regular basis. (It says so in their contract)
8. If a certain choreographer approaches you asking if he can have some
extra bars in the music, RUN!!
9. Be nice to the front of house staff - they make your tea!
10. Be miserable - it's what is expected of you...
10a. ...unless you're Jon Bennet, in which case you're quite mad.
Well thanks for that, anonymous tigger loving musical chappie. If anyone would like to add to the rules or have any rules for their own field of expertise, drop us a line!
To Smoke Or Not To Smoke? - That is the question
Rumours and whispers have been flying round the theatre foyer for the past few weeks about the smoking habits of one of the Duty Managers. Whilst we were assured said Duty Manager had actually given up smoking, and whilst in our company the said Duty Manager did not give in to the nicotine cravings, doubt began to rear its ugly head as he/she seemed not to be suffering from the usual withdrawal symptoms. The "has he hasn't he" question was raised further when evidence from another 'source' suggested that in fact he/she continued to smoke when not at the theatre but in the company of others. Within days of this evidence coming to our attention, the said Duty Manager has taken up the habit again, 'officially' in our company. We still don't know why he/she bothered to tell us they were giving up in the first place if they knew they would still be smoking elsewhere but there you go.
In the same subject another member of the FOH staff continues to assure us that he/she IS NOT a smoker, he/she DOES NOT SMOKE. We are all a little bemused at this since he/she appears to smoke several cigarettes a day, and doesn't even try to hide it, but still tells us they don't smoke. Well I think we are all a bit confused about this one. And also, if they don't smoke, then how will they be able to give up when they move house, as we have been told they will?
Computer Problems
The theatre's high tech audience announcement system was recently thrown into turmoil when some daft person decided to put on a show at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Caught in two minds as to whether it was afternoon or evening, the (usually) infallible computer system decided to play it safe by announcing good evening and welcome to this afternoon's show. This caused a major conflict with it's programming which resulted in the computer developing a stammer for the rest of the announcement. The front of house duty manager was too busy pretending to be busy and therefore couldn't fix the system in time for the interval. This resulted in the calls suffering from the same malaise as before. Thankfully, the computer has since had a complete overhaul (and a gin) and should never suffer the same fault again (hopefully).
A NEWS FLASH!!!
Although we believed that the fault had been corrected, it would seem that the announcements are still not quite right. Last night once again, it seemed to stutter and even half laugh whilst doing a 1 minute call. Engineers were called out and diagnosed that it had been over prescribed with the gin, it was meant to be two glasses, not two bottles. We are hoping the system has been brought under control now, we just have to give it time to see if it has recovered. It seems apparent that it doesn't like unusual times OR delayed performance times. (Last night's incident occured when the show was 25 minutes late in starting).
Bearded Lady
Guess which occasional member of the Front of house staff, (known to many as the queen of the cackle) needs to shave twice a day in order to avoid growing a beard reminiscent of Albus Dumbledore (of Harry Potter fame) or Gandalf the Great (Lord of the Rings). The 'straw haired' female is said to be delighted at gaining a head start (lett) for her upcoming career as a male impersonator, and looks forward to taking the role of bearded lady in the upcoming production of Barnum. rumours that she is to play Doc in 'Snow White' with the Krankies and Nigel Mansell remain unconfirmed.
Flaxen Haired Beauty
Thursday 15th May 2003 was the day that shocked the Empire Theatre Front Of House Team to it's very core. Our very own flaxen haired angel of the followspots was said to have been asked by another member of the front of house team to pose for some 'tasteful' pictures on his new mobile telephone. The 'voyeur with the Vodafone' as he shall be known had apparently been stalking his victim for weeks, plying his prey with her favourite drink of Baileys, despite being turned down on several occasions by said prey. When confronted by the duty kiosk manager, the Voyeur confessed everything, stating that he hadn't had a girlfriend for 5 minutes and was desperate. A kangaroo court found him guilty and sentenced him to 6 months solo pick up in the main auditorium (but only when the brownies and guides are in).
Marigolds
Which un-named, grey haired lighting technician has been enrolled on a washing up course by his long suffering sister? Sources claim they saw him in the pound shop buying marigolds last Tuesday, and there are unconfirmed reports of sightings in the kiosk area on the security camera of Danny - sorry, un-named technician - blowing bubbles with the washing up liquid. The course is accredited by the University of Essex. Bubble blowing is only available as a night class. Others interested in joining the course should contact SEEC directly.
Wedgyboy
Which anonymous, lanky and bespectacled Work Experience person (gender un-confirmed) has a strange obsession with hair ties and was recently discovered in the wardrobe room trying on a selection of ladies' costumes whilst simultaneously shouting "look at my manly chest!"? He is known for taking an interest in another unnamed member of Empire staff (namesake a popular 60's thin model), and there have been sightings of him staring at the rear area of male staff members' personages. Hmmmm. The Jury's still out on this one.
Tools
Which member of the invisible Box Office staff has taken to moving about the aforementioned un-named lighting-technician's tools? Could it be "George" the theatre ghost? Or is it just good old Margo (invisible) up to her usual tricks again? If any one can shed any light (although she is invisible) please do not hestitate to contact the invisible head of administration at the theatre.
Toupée
Which member of the Front of House staff wears a Toupée? Please click here if you know.
UPDATE: We have had a moderate response to this so far, one person thought that it was tWIGgy (the clue being in the name). Although this is slightly true in that he had to wear a 'hairpiece' in Copacabana, he no longer wears one (except at weekends) to the best of our knowledge.
Any other thoughts? Answers on a postcard!
"Is it Julie?" - asked by an unmentionable member of the SEEC staff. Hmmm. Though her hair is perfectly formed, we can't possibly speculate on the authenticity of it, if you would like to ask her then go ahead but I'm not going to!!!
Chim-Chimenny
Which "non-smoking" member of the Front of House team has recently been spotted having a quick one (fag) (no, not that sort of fag) in the theatre foyer. He claims to only have a cigarette every time he spots an audience member he fancies, so at the moment he's up to 60 a day. (Though he IS NOT a smoker).
Dainty Lemons
Staff were aghast last Thursday evening when an un-named bar manager forcefully manhandled a 'womanly' trustee from behind the counter. He is claimed to have said "I've ****ing had enough of this, this bar isn't big enough for two people!!" and called last orders at 8.45pm, storming out leaving said trustee to wash the lemons on his/her own. Eyewitnesses claim he slowly went red from his neck to his hairline (!) and threw a 'queeny fit'! The trustee later stated he/she was only trying to help and didn't know what all the fuss is about.
Too Much Strain
Whose suspension (a car) was recently condemned (not unlike another local theatre's flying system) due to the extraordinary strain placed onto the car by continuous lifts home for severly inebriated Front of House staff. Eyewitnesses have followed the car reporting strange sightings of sparks flying from the rear end of the car. The un-named Theatre Manager was said to be 'distraught' at the loss of her mobile bar and hopes to be re-opening soon after some refurbishment.
Tuck Bit
An exhausted un-named Front of House Duty Manager recently had to take time out after wearing himself out doing the pick-up, twice in succession in one six month period. The suit-wearing 'Casanova' who is never short of a girlie on his arm, was said to be shocked that such a task existed (do we not have cleaners round here for that job?). The said staff member often finds himself in need elsewhere in the building when the pick-up takes place and didn't know that such a thing occurred. He is stated to have said that he thought mechanical troughs were in use, operated by small people evolved from the leftovers of another front of house member's ready meals in the cavity under the theatre cellar. He believed that the troughs collected the refuse left by audiences and deposited it directly into the town's sewers from underneath the theatre. On discovering that this was not the case he suddenly remembered he had to go and move something in the theatre bar.
Pastie
The theatre's very own Cornish sex-pot, while under the influence of 12 mango and pineapple drinks, was alleged to have been involved in an illicit Morris Dancing session on her last visit to the Southend-On-Sea council offices. She was rumoured to have been led out of the building by one of Southend's leading actresses who has a position of power (allegedly) within the council a.k.a screeching voiced feedback diva. After a night in the cells, she (the Cornish one) was rumoured to still be dancing and proclaiming "Can somebody get me some mead me lovelies and a pastie too!". Police are said to have controlled the dancing Sound Operator by sedative injection and were able safely remove the bells from her lower legs without damage to the newly refurbished Mezzanine Gallery, where she had been 'recovering' since the day before. The allegedly dislexic sound person claims she was in denial but it turned out to be the Thames (!). Reports of Bells and Handkerchiefs being stashed in the theatre Technical office are unconfirmed.
Oh Miserables!
Indecision is said to have got the better of one member of staff this week at the theatre. The un-named member of the Front of House Staff, whose name rhymes with Spavid Clean, spent six hours trying to decide which drink to have in the bar, during which time two performances, a fight, and a showing of the ten commandments, had taken place. The toe-tapping chappie was said to have been 'distraught' that his favourite show "Les Miserables" was being taken on tour by some Albanian chipmunks, and would not be coming to Southend because another local newly re-opened theatre was at the time housing a school production of an American classic, put on by the Last Orders Dramatic Society, and was receiving rave reviews (unpaid for) and thus would be continuing for another month. 'Spavid' as we shall call him to protect his identity, finally opted for a Star Wars Ice lolly as that was all that was left, leaving the building at 4.10 the following morning singing "Who Am I" at the top of his voice.
Embarrassment
A resident "Musician" (unconfirmed) was said to be enraged at a decision made by an un-named audition committee for not giving him a part even though he claimed his portrayal of Lena Lamont was wholly superior to all other contenders (including Twig). When the director calmly tried to tell him that the part really ought to go to a female, he stormed out of the auditorium allegedly stating it was all to do with poilitics and that he would never set foot in the theatre again (until the next show). Embarrassingly he realised he had left his keyboard locked in the Theatre Manager's office and had to retreat into the theatre following his outburst.
Strange Goings On
It is claimed every theatre has a ghost. There is much evidence at the Empire to support this fact, many peculiar things happen and we don't quite know how or why they happen. For years we thought that it was Doug who was responsible for much of the occurances. Tools were found to disappear, lights left on would be switched off and tins of paint, brushes and roller trays placed in the washroom would find themselves removed with no explanation. However, these curious happenings continued after Doug, who has been known to 'borrow' the odd tool or tin of paint, not to mention Chicken Wire, had to take a few months off to recover from heart surgery. The lights continue to be switched off and tools still seem to go missing. If it's not Doug, then who is it? Where do the aforementioned items go?
In addition to this evidence, the stories go back to the first months of our occupancy in the building. Julie, our very own theatre manager, along with other volunteers have all witnessed the 'pushing up of the daisies' phenomenon when banging nails IN to the floor of the main auditorium. Having covered the entire floor during the first weeks, finding every nail and either removing it or burying it into the surface of the floor, having established that there were NO NAILS left in the floor, they seem to pop back up on their own. Even now, five years later, we have found nails sticking up in the auditorium which would almost certainly have been found and removed or destroyed during the initial 'blitz on nails'. Is there a strange dark force pushing the nails back up? We often wonder exactly what is under the auditorium. Maybe somebody is trying to contact us, maybe somebody is trying to get out.
This strange phenomenon has continued in the Theatre Bar, where last year we acquired a brand new carpet following the floods. As you would expect with a new carpet there was a substantial amount of fluff to be removed, but after several months of fluff removal, it returns time and time again. When Dave thinks he has got all the fluff, he turns round and there it is again, like some strange multiplying organism intent on taking over the bar. Is this the same strange dark force taking over as did the nails? Is something trying to get out? Where does all the fluff come from?
If anyone has been offended by any items in this section, please bear in mind none of the allegations are true or linked to any real people, places or animals either living or dead. Any similarity to real people or events is entirely coincidental. All of the above is meant entirely in jest and if anyone would like to contribute to the page e-mail us with your 'whisper' here.
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